Once upon a time there was an airplane full of celebrities, sportsmen and world leaders flying over the Caribbean. One of the engines stopped working and the pilot announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to fall and crash into the ocean; the chances of survival are 0.5%. Please pray to god that a miracle happens and we all stay alive”. Everyone panicked and started revealing their deepest secrets so they could face God with less embarrassment…this is how it went …


Shahid Afridi: I bat with my eyes closed.

Asif Ali Zardari: Yes I killed Murtaza Bhutto.

George Bush: I am mentally disabled.

Donald Rumsfield: I masterminded the World Trade Center attacks

Shahrukh Khan: I hate Aamir Khan because he can act.

Asif Ali Zardari: Yes Bhayo I killed Zia too.

Aamir Khan: I hate Shahrukh because I can act but he takes away all the commercials.

Imran Khan: Imran kay paas kuch chhupaanay ko nahin hay. Imran kisi say nahi darta. Imran sacha banda hay.

Tom Cruise: Scientology is fake!!

Asif Ali Zardari: Yes I have 200 swiss accounts.

Oprah Winfery: I am a witch and I killed everyone who didn’t agree with me.

Nawaz Sharif: I am a takla

Shehbaz Sharif: I am a takla too

Madonna: I am a takli too!!

Asif Ali Zardari: I like Sherry Rehman!

Santa Claus: I do not exist.

Usama Bin Laden: I do not exist.

Abhishek Bachchan: I wouldn’t exist either if Amitabh Bachchan wasn’t my daddy.

Asif Ali Zardari: I was involved in excessive money laundering.

Sachin Tendulkar: I play to make world records. Who cares if we win or lose?

Nicholos Sarkozy: I hate the US

Merkel: I hate the US

Gordon Brown: I hate the US

Obama: Even I hate the US

Asif Ali Zardari: I am the legal guardian of the Surrey Palace!

Baal Thakuray: I hate Pakistan!

Altaf Hussain: I hate Pakistan!

Pervez Musharraf: I am an atheist!

Asif Ali Zardari: Yes I have a billion dollar worth of property in London and Dubai.

Hasni Mubarak: I have ruled Egypt for 500 years and no one ever voted for me but my cow.

Robert Mugabe: I hate everyplace, everything and everyone.

Michael Jackson: I don’t know what the truth is all I know is I am a very very weird person.

Asif Ali Zardari: I kidnapped anyone who rebelled against my authority!

Himesh Reshmiya: I can’t sing!

Muammar Qaddafi: I cross-dress.

Anil Kapoor: The only reason I am famous is because Shahrukh Khan declined Slumdog Millionaire. Shahrukh Khan is my savior!

Asif Ali Zardari: I abused my powers at all political and judicial levels.

Shoaib Akhtar: Abhi zinda hoon to jee lainay do, bhari barsaat may pee lainay do (and starts gulping on a beer)

Sehwag: I too bat with my eyes closed but I am much luckier than Afridi!

Yousuf Raza Gillani: I feel I am invisible. No one ever looks at me or listens to me.

Asif Ali Zardari: I increased my commission to 25% from 10% after I became the president.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I can’t speak English.

Javed Miandad: I can’t speak Urdu.

Reema: I shouldn’t be speaking any languages.

Donald Trump: My haircut looks like a UFO aircraft.

Hillary Clinton: I hate niggars! And I hate it even more working for one!

Asif Ali Zardari: The University I claim to have attended never existed!


The airplane engine started working again and the plane again started flying normally. Everyone looked at each other with mixed feelings of relief and embarrassment. They all realized that they have all done terrible things in their lives. It was time they do something to compensate the world for the grief and sorrow they brought to her. They all tie up Asif Zardari and throw him off the plane. As Zardari was approaching closer to the ground, he screams:


Yeh bibi kisnay maari hay, Zardari nay Zardari nay!




Pakistan now faces a bigger threat than ever with the security situation deteriorating faster than Dow Jones. One single element for the fast declining safety condition is “suicide terrorism”. We don’t know who exactly these terrorists are. Media keeps telling us they either belong to the Taliban groups, Lashkar e Tayyaba or the Die Hard 2 fan club. Whichever groups they belong to, I personally believe they can be fixed. How can we fix them exactly? Introduce them to technology! These dudes need something to keep themselves busy with. They are obviously bored. So bored that they are ready to give their lives for just about anything. Anything at all. Even for really trivial stuff like lassi and pulao. Just a few ideas on how to effectively use technology to distract these suicide bombers.…


  • Build movie multiplexes in the Northern areas. Play Shahrukh Khan’s bubblegum romance movies. I can assure you these movies will soften the hearts of these terrorists. They wouldn’t kill a fly afterwards forget human beings. A smart idea would be to substitute Coca Cola with Makkah Cola at the popcorn stands. Try to keep the atmosphere as jew-free as possible.


  • Perpetually repeat telecast all seasons of “Friends”. It will get the terrorists occupied. Change the name of the characters. Ross can be Rizwan, Chandler can be Cheema, Joey can be Jawad, Monica can be Mehreen, Rachael can be Raheela and Phoebe can be Phauzia.


  • Build huge malls in these areas. Open outlets that cater to very specific needs of these people. Designer pagris (with bullet pouches), steel toe peshawri chappals and Junaid Jumshed kurtas (blood stain resistant). Do not under any circumstances open any “gora” outlets!


  • Bring Internet to these areas. Help them create facebook accounts. Create customized facebook applications for them. It’s bound to get them addicted to facebook. Some facebook applications that might work are “Which kaafir is this?”, “Osama vs. Obama” and “Best ways to kill yourself!”.


  • Provide them with Nintendo Wiis with a good supply of customized war games. The villain should always be Amreeka or Israel. Make sure the player always wins or else he might take his anger out somewhere “else”!


  • Get them addicted to the “I Phone”. Give them unlimited access to free I Phone application downloads. This will keep them busy for a long long while….






A fictional quiz contest between Imran Khan, Shah Rukh Khan, George W. Bush and Snoop Dogg. The host is Michael Jackson.


MJ: Gentlemen are you ready to win 1 million dollars? I will ask you three questions and whoever gets the most answers right, shall win all the money. My first question is…

IK: Oye wait, I was told the host is a guy.

MJ: I am a guy Immi. Do you know any female Michaels?

IK: Hain? But I was told the host is black.

MJ: I am black. You are so adorable.

IK: Oye I don’t participate in contests involving females or whites. So I just wanted to make things clear.

MJ: No problem…

GB: No problem? How can there be no problem when I am here. We should be on orange alert at all times. Scared people vote republican!

MJ: Lovely George, but lets forget the geo-political issues for a little while and move ahead with the quiz shall we?

SRK: How many lifelines do I have?

MJ: No lifelines Shahrukh, whoever presses the buzzer first, will get a chance to answer. If the answer is correct, the person will get 100 points. In the end the person with the highest points wins! Simple as that honey.

SRK: That’s boring. How about a dance sequence at the end of every question? How will we make money?

SD: Money aint a thang King Khan, I got plenty in my Lincoln Continental, meet me after the show, and ill hook you up with some greens.snoop_dogg_smoke

MJ: The first question is….Who is the president of United States? Your options are:


A. Barrack Obama

B. George W. Bush

C. Hillary Clinton

D. Tom Cruise


(George Bush presses the buzzer first)


MJ: Ok so Georgy Porgy, whats the answer?

GB: The answer is A Barrack Obama!

SRK: haha that’s a dumb answer. Barrack isnt even white.

MJ: So George are you sure about your answer?

GB: I will go with SRK’s advice and chose a non-white president. My final answer is Hillary Clinton.

MJ: Sorry the answer is wrong. Anyone else who’d like to answer the question? By the way Bush, Hillary is white.

GB: That’s what you think.

IK: I will go for E.

MJ: There is no option E.

IK: You Americans are nobody to decide what my options are. Pakistan will create its own options. We don’t need a white woman like you dictating us our options.

MJ: AAh so anyone else wants to try?

SRK: The answer is Tom Cruise. He will be ideal for the role of the president. Karde mushkil jeena ishq kameena….

MJ: Do you want to try Snoop?

SD: The answer is Barrack. Black is the new black. Tiger Woods, Oprah all black.. all making billions..where are my zigzags?

MJ: You are right and you get 100 points!!


(The crowd cheers)


MJ: Ok the next question is .. who was the host of a game show in Slumdog Millionaire? Your options are:


A. Bart Simpson

B. Anil Kapoor

C. Regis Phillbin

D. Elvis Presley


(George Bush again presses the buzzer first)


MJ: Yes George what’s the answer?

GB: I don’t have an answer, I have a question. Which way to the men’s room?

MJ: George George George.. you are in the middle of a gameshow. You cannot press the buzzer and ask for a restroom break. Didn’t your momma potty-train you?

GB: No, and before I go nuclear, show me the restroom.


(George Bush walks off the stage)bush_warhuh1


MJ: Anyone else wants to try answering this question?

SD: The answer is A, coz the rest are all fictional characters.

MJ: Wrong SD. Anyone else wants to try?

SD: Won’t a brother help a brother (winks)

MJ: I am not your brother Snoop. Not all blacks are brothers.

SRK: I think Elvis kay dil may hay wOhh Dard e Disco jo ussay Slumdog ka host bana sakta hay!!!

MJ: Wrong Shahrukh…You want to try Imran?

IK: Imran try nai karta. Imran mehnat karta hay. Imran practical banda hay. Imran ki waja say Judiciary bihaal huwi. Imran ki waja say aaj Musharraf Cambodia ki jails may hay. I will go with option E again. E for Einstein. E for Elizabeth the 2nd my chachi, E for Ekta Kapoor the women behind all the fasaads in Pakistan.

MJ: E for Extacy…Sorry Immi wrong answer. No one got this right. The answer is Anil Kapoor guys!imran-khan

IK: Bakwaas answer

SRK: Insaaaane!!!

SD: This shit dznt smell rite!


MJ: Seems like George isn’t coming back. Let’s move on to our final question. So far Snoop has 100 points while Georgy, Immi and Shahrukh have zero points. My next question is.. wait.. let me give you a very simple question.. hope you all get it right! The question is … What is the capital of France?


A. Paris

B. Karachi

C. Cairo

D. Washington D.C.


(IK pressed the buzzer first)


IK: The answer is E and it is my final answer.

MJ: Immi there is no option E. Please choose between the letters A, B, C and D.

IK: Ok I chose A and B

MJ: Chose just ONE immi?

IK: I protest. I am leaving this game show. It is hosted by American agencies. No wonder the host is a white female. All witches are white females.

MJ: Please don’t call me a witch Imran. A black male cant be a witch.


(IK walks off the set, meanwhile SD passes out due to some drug overdose)


SRK: I want to give it a try. Kal phir yeh chance ho na ho. Har ghariii badal rahee hay dhoop zindagi…

MJ: Your answer please?

SRK: It is definitely Paris.

MJ: You are RIGHT Shahrukh. How did you know?

SRK: Snoop told me before he passed out.

MJ: Oh that’s cheating SRK!!!

SRK: Oh baby dance pat chance maar lay!!


MJ: Well since none of the other candidates are here and Snoop has passed out, I declare you as the winner Shahrukh.


SRK: Answer mera hit hit sohniye! Chak de!